Robros. You see them in the refrigerators at the convenience stores. You see them in the hands of Xtreme sports enthusiasts on the television (or real life if you fancy that kind of thing) and you see them IN YOUR SHOPPING CART! I’m talking, of course, about energy drinks. What gives! It’s like soda but more expensive and tastes bad. I don’t understand the logic behind them, guys, but for you I will brave the cold, carbonated minefield of energy drinks to sift out the best of the best and tell you all about it.
Worst five hours of my life!
So guys I narrowed the generic vastness down to four drinks which don’t cause my colon to clench up and my tongue to apply for an overseas Visa. Those four were: NOS, Full Throttle: Blue Demon, amp ENERGY, and JAVA MONSTER. My selections depended on pricing, appearance in the can, initial taste, aftertaste, and actual energy required. Out of that criteria, these four topped the rest as drinks you might actually enjoy. Trust me, as a robot I know all about taste.
Here are the contenders! Four energy-infused heavyweights ready to cost over two bucks and give you stomach cramps! Okay, guys, don’t get upset. I’m only kidding. These four were the best out of the dozen I tried over the week and I see people drinking these four the most, so they have to be pretty alright I guess?
I’ll start off with the NOS because it’s package is the most interesting and it caught my eye because at first I thought it was a can of cold oil or fuel cleaner or something. Anyway!
The Can: Metallic blue and competition orange – the official colors of actual NOS race car stuff. The entire can, I guess, is laid out to look like some addictive you might pour into your motor before going 2 fast and 2 furious. Maybe in Tokyo. Maybe drifting. It announces its “POWER INGREDIENTS” and “SUPPLEMENT FACTS” and also warns, “CAUTION: POWERFUL” Also along the top rim it advertises some hefty sounding chemicals that I guess someone who knew what they were would be excited about. Not this guy! It is attractive and eye-catching and does its job, so I’m down.
Initial Taste: You know that smell gasoline has? Some people really like to catch just a little whiff of that smell maybe at the gas station or when filling up their lawn mower or whatever. The first sip of NOS is like pouring gasoline down your throat. It burns a little, but not too bad. Not like drinking, say, hydrochloric acid. It’s sour, too, Robros, like someone crushed up a bunch of Sweet Tarts and then dumped them into your gas tank. Not wholly unpleasant, but I guess this stuff will wake you up on sheer taste bud-overload.
Aftertaste: Disturbingly like orange juice you left out so now it’s kind of warm. That taste.
Ingredients: L-Carnitine, Taurine, Caffeine, Ginseng. A lot of blahblahblah-ines. Click on taurine and read the second sentence. Laugh.
Buy it-O-Meter: If I were driving the two hours it took to get to the airport and I had a six in the morning flight and I maybe didn’t get as much sleep as I would have liked and I know I won’t be able to stop every time I feel the Z-monster sneaking in I would buy a NOS because its taste alone would kick me back into the land of the conscious. I think, guys, that EMTs also use it on people who have passed out to bring them to. Like spill a few drops in their mouth and they come back all “wha- who- what tastes like gas?”
Next up is amp Energy!
The Can: Green and shiny and definitely of the Mountain Dew familia. Guys the can in minimalistic, like it’s saying “I’ve got major brand association behind me. I don’t NEED a flashy can”. The logo is kind of neat, though. Amp is spelled out lower case with ‘energy’ in all caps below that. There is a silver flame above the words. I think this can is really leading the way for consumer beverages into the world of modern art. Like, this drink will ‘amp’ you up, but it doesn’t need to brag about it so ‘amp’ is in lower case. The energy you get, though, is pretty rad so it’s all caps. Take THAT Picasso! The silver flame thing is like an avant-garde symbol of freedom from boring drinks, right? I don’t know. All modern art is ugly I think.
Initial Taste: Like Mountain Dew. No, wait… yeah. No. Mountain Dew.
Aftertaste: Remember Haribo Gummy Bears? They’re awesome! Now, drop a dozen into your Mountain Dew. Sip. Just like that.
Ingredients: Maltodextrin, Ginseng, Taurine, B Vitamins, Guarana. Guarana? Isn’t that like bat crap?
Buy it-O-Meter: For two bucks and change I guess I could buy a Mountain Dew and a bag of Haribo Gummy Bears and achieve the same result, but that seems like work and Robros, you know my stance on that. I think it’s kind of funny that they advertise B Vitamins on the can. Like, don’t those come in just about everything you eat ever? So I guess it isn’t altogether a bad drink, guys, but I like having a cap to screw on my Dew in case I drop it or whatever and amp just does not suite my needs.
Now the Full Throttle: Blue Demon! Wait, where’s my Holy Water?
The Can: Remember that old song by Eiffel 65? Yeah. Guys, I’m seriously when I say this: This can is blue. BLUE. Also, it very much wants you to know that it is undoubtedly Full Throttle: Blue Demon, as it says in gigantic ‘I ride Harleys and play in poker tournaments and get sweet tribal tattoos’ font twice. Within like maybe two centimeters of each other. If it wasn’t mandated by the FDA to put nutrition facts on the package I’m sure they would have included a third logo. Just to be sure no matter which way the can is facing you KNOW what you’re drinking. If you didn’t when you bought it. “Whoa, I thought this was Fiji water! Good thing these logos are here or I’d have never known.” Come on.
Initial Taste: If seawater could taste blue, this would be it. Immediately bitter and salty, with a hint of everything ever blue ground up and then colored blue. Abo de abo di.
Aftertaste: Surprisingly, there isn’t much of one. I mean, the saccharine blue qualities persist after the first sip, but the majority of the flavor doesn’t really change. It’s just blue all around. It goes down alright enough, and is pretty clean about it, unlike messy reds or greens.
Ingredients: Blue Agave Flavor, Carnitine, Taurine, Ginseng, Guarana. Blue Agave, I guess, is some Mexican tequila flavor, which explains why half the can is also printed in Spanish. Also it explains why it’s so friggin’ salty. Full Throttle: Blue Demon would be a perfect mixer with tequila. Clever, Coca Cola Company. Very clever.
Buy it-O-Meter: If I were an alcoholic and kind of sleepy this would be the drink for me. Also, if you are Mexican and therefore Catholic and are too wimpy to self-flagellate you could just drink this stuff all day long.
Last up, it’s JAVA Monster!
The Can: Let’s take a trip back in time. Back to the days where men were men, women wore bell-bottoms (well… so did the men) and if people in the next county couldn’t smell your cologne you were doing it wrong. Flannel was always the right thing to wear and if you were actually a lumberjack people worshiped you. I’m talking about the ’70’s everyone, because that’s what the wood paneling of the JAVA Monster can instantly reminds me of. I guess that wasn’t what they intended. If you take in the sweet tribal font, the claw scratched ‘M’ and the little Pacific Island palm frond detailing I guess the can is supposed to be some kind of Hawaiian Xtreme Morning Surf Beverage. There is also a nice diatribe on the back about how JAVA Monster is better than what-have-you regular coffee and how Monster alone is going to take coffee back to the Xtreme. I guess? I’d also like to note the flavor of JAVA Monster I got was ‘Big Black’. I’ve never been to prison, but those two words alone make me shudder.
Initial Taste: Like coffee. No… like weak-ass coffee that one dude at the office with the kind of weird smile and the pink tie always makes. Or, you know, Starbucks Double Shot. Or Chocolate Yoohoo.
Aftertaste: Like coffee. No… like weak-ass coffee that one dude at the office with the kind of weird smile and the – you get the idea.
Ingredients: Coffee + Energy + Taurine + L-Carnitine + Glucose + Guarana + Maltodextrin + Caffeine + Glucuronolactone = Uhg. That last one has a pretty sweet rumor behind it. Are you guys starting to see a trend here?
Buy it-O-Meter: Since real coffee tastes like chalk and truckstops and I’m not secure enough in my masculinity to buy Starbuck’s brands I guess I’ll get my morning wake up the Xtreme toolbag way: with JAVA Monster! No seriously, it isn’t a BAD drink, but the marketing just makes me feel like if I don’t buy this and drink it I’m an old fart who plays bingo and collects stamps. While both those statements are probably true, I don’t want to cute girl working the cash register to know that, so I guess I’m buying it Robros.
Okay, so that does it. Out of the four I would probably recommend NOS because it does its job effectively and relatively painlessly. The can is pretty sweet and it doesn’t taste horrendously bad. I don’t feel like a tool when it’s in my hand and at $2.09 it’s the cheapest of the three. At least where I buy it. Your results may vary. I’m all hyped up now, guys. Like it’s past midnight but I’m typing at like seventy-three words per minute due to all the freaking ginseng and taurine and maltodextrine and glucomonsuloactictalantrine. Whoooo! Okay. I think I’m gonna go run four miles and then wash my car. I can clean my room and do my laundry and then have everything spic and span right as I need to get up and go to work oh boy I can’t wait this is gonna be so cool sleep is for the weak you wanna come over and hang out oh man this sitting down thing is killing me okay whoooo!
Hey, tomorrow: Me. My car. Topeka. Mr. Dr. Thomas Jessup County Coroner. Be excited.