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ROBONATOR DREDGES FANFICTION.NET – Illiteracy Never Looked So Good

Posted in Literature with tags , , , , , , , , , on 7 December, 2007 by robonator

Guys. I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I put on my interview suit, grabbed my audio recorder and drove out to Topeka. I met Mr. Dr. Thomas Kelly Jessup Ph.D County Coroner. I interview him. I shook his hand. I left. Got some BK. Got gas. ($2.90!? You’re killin’ me!) Took suit off. Plugged in audio recorder to PC. Listened to 48 minutes of static.

What?

That’s right. My cheap-ass audio recorder failed its single purpose in life. That’s right, to RECORD. Jesus. So, not having taken good notes at all or remembering half of the awesome stuff this guy said I am resorting to making fun of less than talented Harry Potter fanfiction writers. It’s like a comfort thing. Take THAT self-pity! Hah-hah!

Harry Potter: Christmas time at hogwarts
Author: I Love Chocolate Milk

Wait, what? I Love Chocolate Milk? Good to know? Maybe there is a sandwich board on me that asks: “What kind of milk do you like?” Are you this guy?

It was Christmas time once again at hogwarts, normally quite a few students stay at hogwarts, but this year it was different. There was only six people including the teachers who stayed for the Christmas holiday. Those people consisted of: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape. The only reason snape is there is because of Draco, his godson, he stayed incase Draco and Harry had a fight.

Whew, good thing only the six characters the story is about stayed behind. All those minor characters and background characters might have been confusing and hard to write. Good call, man.

Harry had just come back from last minute shopping with Ron, they had bought a lot stuff, mainly junk

What kind of junk? Curious minds inquire!

but also some presents. Once they had put their stuff away in the common rooms they went into the great hall to wait for Hermione. Hermione went into the great hall in a red long sleeved top and white skinny jeans with black pumps. Ron blushed a pale pink when he saw Hermione (Her outfit was rather adorable).

Rather than?

Harry didn’t blush on the other hand, the only reason for that is because Harry didn’t love Hermione anymore than a friend, well, more of a sister, the only reason he didn’t blush when he saw her is because he is gay, and

Whoa, what? For real? Since when?

there was only one wizard for him. He hates to admit it but the guy he likes is Draco. He loves everything about him but half the time he wonders why.

That’s exactly how I feel about the oscillating universe theory.

After a couple of hours Ron and Hermione went upstairs because they had to ‘catch up on some homework’ or so Ron says. The more logical answer is Hermione does the homework and Ron copies it.

You sure they don’t just ‘do it‘?

Harry was sat alone

Who sat him there? God?

on one of the benches in the great hall in deep thought, he didn’t even hear the doors open to a concerned Draco. Draco sat next to Harry.“Potter, why are you alone? Why aren’t you with Weasley and Granger?” Said Draco with a slight hint of worry in his tone.“…”“POTTER!!”“Huh! Oh hi Malfoy, sorry I was deep in thought” About you, he completed in his head.

Harry Potter, apparently the worlds best magician, is also a teenage girl crushing on Aaron Carter?

“Why aren’t you with Weasley and Granger?” Asked Draco again with the same amount of worry in his voice.“They had homework to catch up on, so I stayed down here. Why do you ask, Malfoy?”“Just wondering” Draco answered trying to figure out what he was in deep thought about.They sat like that for a few more minutes before Harry spoke again.“Why did you come here, Malfoy?” Harry asked honestly curious.“Please, call me Draco, we have been civilized with each other for a year. I think I can cope with calling you Harry. As long as you can cope with calling me Draco.” Draco had wanted to be in first name state for ages but wouldn’t admit it to himself.

Call me Robo. If I can call you Nator. I think I can do that. Okay. I love you. Not yet. Now? No.

“Ok, Draco, So why did you come here?”“I needed to speak to you” Draco said whilst

Whilst I couldn’t figure out why it was so damn hard to say “WHILE”.

moving slightly closer to Harry. Harry was totally oblivious and didn’t notice until his and Dracos face were nearly touching.“What did you need to tell me, Draco?”“I wanted to say, …”“Yes …”“I wanted to say,

“… how long do you think I can drag this scene out?”

I love you Harry. I have done since the beginning of last year but I couldn’t say to myself that it happened until a couple of weeks ago”

Because you had a major revelation that allowed you to look past your fear of rejection from your peers and family and your own hurtful, tragic past? Oh, you were shy and nervous like the twelve year old girl writing this? I see.

Harry listened to every word that was said and processed it. Draco loves me. I can’t believe it. Me, ME !

No, me!

Draco took Harrys silence of rejection

Took it and RAN!

. Draco was just about to walk away when Harry grabbed the bottom of his shirt.

Like a preteen girl.

“Wait, Draco, I need to say something as well” Harry paused to gather his thoughts, he was finally going to tell Draco how he felt about him knowing that he loves him back.“I love you as well. From the first day I met you I always have done. Even when we were enemies I knew in my heart that I loved you, and nothing is going to change that”Draco was shocked by Harry’s speech.

I was unaware 37 words counted as a ‘speech’ like the more classical days.

He thought that Harry would never love him back, let alone loved him since the first day they met.
“Will you go out with me?”

Plz check y/n

Harry asked ducking his head whilst his cheeks turned a dark crimson. Draco lifted Harry’s head in his hands and cupped his face.“Yes”Harry couldn’t believe his luck. He jumped up in joy and hugged Draco unable to contain his happiness inside of him. Once Harry had let go, Draco stared into Harry’s bright emerald eyes. Draco titled his head and moved it closer Harry did the same. As soon as there lips touched all of their eyelids went down. Enjoying the blissful touch of one another. Soon Draco moved his tongue and traced the bottom of Harrys lip to let him entrance. Harry obliged. Draco moved his tongue to touch Harrys as soon as they touched there tongues explored each others mouths until air became an issue. Both Harry and Draco parted at the same time.

In other words, they kissed? I’m not sure what is so magical about two boys kissing that makes some people want to describe every detail. If I Love Chocolate Milk wanted to be detailed and accurate, he/she would have written:
“They leaned in close, but Harry flinched and nailed his lip into Draco’s teeth. Both boys stammered out nervous giggles, then attempted to kiss again. This time they succeeded, but Harry wished he hadn’t because Draco’s breath was terrible.” Man, I should write this stuff.

“Wow, that was nice. Im glad you’re my boyfriend Draco. I love you”“I love you too, Harry. Don’t ever leave me”“I wont, I promise”

Until you give me the HIV.

Harry and Draco hugged again, enjoying each other’s company. When they could hear someone clear their throat. Both of them let go of each other and turned to the noise. It was Snape, Ron and Hermione. Snape looked absolutely revolted but happy for his godson at the same time.

What? How can someone even MAKE that expression? Does it look like this?

Ron looked OK about it,

Yeah it’s cool my best friend is gay for our sworn enemy. I’m happy for you dude!

and Hermione, well she looked happy for them, well, more for Harry, but she didn’t look one bit surprised.
“You don’t look very surprised, Granger?” Draco stated.“I’m not surprised Malfoy, that’s why” Hermione replied

What? What?

“Come on, Weasley, Granger, leave them in peace” Snape said whilst gesturing Ron and Hermione out of the great hall. Draco mouthed a thank you to Snape. Snape just bowed his head and said,“You can thank me later, or by naming the baby after me” Snape and Draco smirked very similarly, no wonder they’re related.

What I wonder about is why this part is here at all. Nothing here is useful. Are you high, I Love Chocolate Milk?

“What was that about?” Harry asked wondering what just happened.“Nothing, don’t worry about it love. Come with me to my quarters?”,

Wait, I want to know what just happened. I’m seriously.

“Sure” Harry said whilst trying to keep his nerve.
Draco and Harry walked out the great hall, fingers entwined. Both so happy they can hardly contain it, and both so scared that it will go away.

Don’t they… love each other no matter what? How is it going to go away? DOES NOT COMPUTE! 1010101000101011110010101

So that’s what they do, keep holding on, knowing and loving.

Knowing what? Every line I Love Chocolate Milk writes just serves to confuse and torture me. Was this supposed to be like a deep and thoughtful ending? Stop lightly modifying quotes from Love, Actually and I’ll release your My Little Pony collection.

THE END!!

Thank God. The extra exclamation point really drives home that my suffering is at an end. Well… almost. I’ve got to live with this in my brain for as long as I live. Here’s to Alzheimer’s! I feel ashamed to file this under ‘Literature’. I should add a ‘Don’t Ever Let Your Kids See This’ category. I don’t even really WANT to give this piece a score. It doesn’t deserve numbers. Or letters. I’ll give it a symbol score?

♣êΔ out of √ãØã

I guess?

So I apologize Robros for not being able to seduce you with sweet coroner insights and trivia. Would you feel better if I linked you somewhere neat? Yeah?

Alright, guys. This horrendous failure means I’ve got to do something absurdly cool for tomorrow’s article. I don’t even know where to begin?