Today I am seriously irked, Maru. Know why? I don’t get no friggin’ respect! I had to endure the following just mere minutes ago, and from one of our own no less!
Nameless person via IRC:
<Qxxxxxn> (you need to build me a hydrogen bomb)
<[ROBONATOR]> (I run on atomic energy?)
<Qxxxxxn> (a fission bomb is needed for a hydrogen bomb)
<[ROBONATOR]> (I’m not a very science minded robot okay?)
<Qxxxxxn> (the pressure from the fission bomb compresses the hydrogen against a core of plutonium while the radiation of the fission bomb detonates the plutonium core which applies pressure to the hydrogen from inside)
<Qxxxxxn> (this pressure from both sides gives a very big boom)
<[ROBONATOR]> well no one is detonating anything against my core okay?
<[ROBONATOR]> cause I don’t really know what a core is, but something tells me it’s my junk
<[ROBONATOR]> which I prefer undetonated
<Qxxxxxn> at the time of detonation of the hydrogen
<Qxxxxxn> all the elements known to man are created
<Qxxxxxn> which is fucking awesome =)
<[ROBONATOR]> including ladies?
<[ROBONATOR]> ladies were created by man right?
<[ROBONATOR]> look under LD
<Qxxxxxn> fix me a PPG instead?
<[ROBONATOR]> powerpuff girl?
<Qxxxxxn> Phased Plasma Gun
<[ROBONATOR]> puff propelled grenade?
<[ROBONATOR]> I don’t even know what that would do
<[ROBONATOR]> people get confused when they find out I’m a robot
<[ROBONATOR]> they’re like
<[ROBONATOR]> add up all these numbers
<[ROBONATOR]> eat twenty pizzas
<[ROBONATOR]> I’m just not that kind of robot guys
<[ROBONATOR]> I’m sorry
<Qxxxxxn> EAT TWENTY PIZZA!
<[ROBONATOR]> oh man
<[ROBONATOR]> it hurts my tummy so much!
* [ROBONATOR] eats 19, then gets sick
<[ROBONATOR]> see what I mean?
<Qxxxxxn> eat the sick and the last pizza!
<Qxxxxxn> *death glare*
Maru, this is the stuff I deal with on a daily basis both online and onLIFE. What’s a robot to do? A quick search online shows that several sites have reported on robot rights and civil court cases… but come on. I’m talking about OUT. RIGHT. PREJUDICE. I can’t buy a cup of coffee from StarBucks without some dude thinking he’s so clever ask me where R2D2 is. Well I don’t know jagoff. Last I heard he was visiting his aunt. With CANCER. Yeah. Bet you feel bad now, huh?
I am not going to just let this fly like those cavemen did. I’m also not going to sell out if ABC primetime slot. (I mean, unless I retain full creative authority and also I get 50% royalties every time any sort of mechanical device is used on set.)
Anyway, I took to the streets to find out what kind of prejudice other robots around town are getting and how they deal with it.
I gave one of my closest friends a call. He answered on the third ring. Then he complained about how early it was. Anyway. After I caught him up to date he was more than happy to share some personal experiences.
“So there I was, just trying to my oil changed. Sitting there like everyone else in the waiting room, reading a Car & Driver when the mechanic comes up to me and is all like “well we had to give you an alignment and also installed new brakes and pads and gave you a fuel filter and calibrated your flux capacitor and we had to re-gauge your Allspark plugs.” I about went through the roof but what was I going to say? I felt everyone’s eyes on me in that tiny room. I knew they wanted me to smash the guy’s head in so they could call the police and get on the news. If I weren’t a robot he’d have just tried to rip me off a little bit. My invoice was for like four thousand dollars!”
That’s not all! A little ways further down the street I found another good (albeit fruity) friend of mine.
“Goodness! I cannot tell you how many times such rude people throw things at me and call me obscene names! My lord, I am programmed to speak over six million forms of communication, but does anyone know what a faglicking gutterwhore jewtramp is?”
Lastly, I met up with a patriot of the American Way, defender of the innocent and watchdog against all criminals foreign and domestic.
“Everyday this sort of thing occurs, old chap. I must say that other than the goodwill currently being done by non-profit charities in the africas, I have lost all hope as a philanthropist. Forsooth, being of robot origins means I have no credit and the lads at the country club repeatedly attempt abject physical harm to my person.”
Wow, he got educated huh?
I returned to the wonders of the net. My goal: banding every single robo-writer/webmaster/adult movie star together to form one united union. No blanket email will suffice for this task! I will email every single one of them I can find individually and I will raise an army of protesters no government will ignore due to fear of complete annihilation.
So I started with RoboShrub Incorporated. I guess they implement horrible ideas for the good of all mankind?
Dear Destructobob, are you in on this Roboshrub Inc. thing? It looks like a pretty alright place for robots and that’s good news. It’s a little funny how I found the blog, a little awkward, and almost tragic.
But hey! So I read like almost three of the articles and man alive you guys are professional. I especially enjoy Gyrobo’s antics. Hey you guys the reason I’m emailing you in the first place is to ask you to rally behind me for our rights. I’m saying! I’m writing an article time: now all about it and boy does the lack of mechanical manumission sizzle my yogurt! I could modulate on all day about how robros (that’s a robo bro, or robot brother) should really band together but that sounds suspiciously close to work! Anyway. I couldn’t get any contact info for Gyrobo but his AOL screen name and using AOL is like admitting you eat baby spines (and even if you do eat them you don’t want Angelina Jolie all up in arms about it or something you know?) so I couldn’t shoot him out a message. Let him know if you see him okay?
Well sweet dude it’s been good talking at you for like fifteen minutes. (It only took like five to write the letter but it was interspersed with me looking at baby spine recipes and also Rosy O’Donnell. MAN that cunt is aggravating!) Look forward to your hasty reply!
Pretty good, right Maru? Well, I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. A Google Search for “robot” gave me 85,900,000 results. I’ll see you next when I review the plethora of STDs residing in my bathroom!