Hey Maru, I was going to do that woodchipper thing but I guess I’m going to be a little bit busier tomorrow than I thought! I know you guys must be pretty disappointed but it’s a-okay because I went and saw Lions for Lambs a couple weeks ago and maybe I can tell you a little about it!
Don’t see it! There isn’t a single lamb OR lion in the whole movie! What a ripoff!
Let’s pause for a moment, so you can see what I’m talking about.
Lions for Lambs? More like Liars for Losers.
I am talking about the latest politically charged film by newcomer Robert Redford starring mentally unstable scientologist Tom Cruise as a power hungry senator, and total MILF Meryl Streep as a delicious super liberal journalist. I think it is pretty gosh darn important we discuss how liberal she is in bed, but that will have to wait. It also STARS Robert Redford as some sort of hippy. There are some other people who are in the movie, but they aren’t really important enough for me to click the link next to their names on IMDB.com.
So this movie is about politics! Just like Fox News and CNN, movie politics are boring and irrelevant to our lives, so Redford spiced things up with sweet action scenes of soldiers kicking plenty of ass. Well, not really. Mostly they fall out of helicopters and then get shot at the whole time. I don’t understand why Delta Force didn’t rappel down from BlackHawks and shoot missiles at those dumb arabians. I know a couple Army soldiers and that’s exactly what they would have done because they told me so.
Here are some soldiers about to fall out of a helicopter. That’d hurt!
In a nutshell, these two pretty average dudes join the Army so they can make a difference. All my Army friends joined for college money, but these cats were already IN college! I know! That’s how they meet their hippy professor (Redford). He takes them under his wing sort of and tries to get them to make a difference. See where this is headed? So the hippy professor finds a new student to take under his wing and he tells him all about the other two dudes who went off and joined the Army. I guess so he doesn’t do the same thing. I wouldn’t worry though, because those other two dudes were pretty on the ball and this new kid looks like a pot smoking slacker. Not my type of acquaintance!
What a slacker!
Well I already mentioned how the Army dudes fall right on out of their helicopter. Actually, let me rephrase that: one of the Army dudes falls right on out. The other one jumps out after him! What gives? I guess his mom was right when she said that he’d follow his friends out of a helicopter onto a freezing mountain behind enemy insurgent lines. I guess it was alright because they both survive, but as you can imagine they are pretty banged up. These guys must not have been Army Strong enough. Do some push-ups troop!
Now, the whole reason those Army dudes are in Iraqistan is because some power grubbing senator (Cruise) thinks that he is going to win the war with like five Army dudes. Not if they all keep falling out of helicopters! He also wants to be the POTUS. That’s President of the United States for everyone who didn’t pass the Ninth Grade. Okay, so he’s giving an exclusive interview to this reporter (Streep) and you can tell he has the hots for her, but who doesn’t? She’s pretty boinkable. Like a 12/10! I couldn’t figure out why he was telling her all the classified info, but I figure it’s because he wants her cooch pretty bad. This part was pretty boring I won’t even lie to you guys. You trust me and I will deliver honesty. Whenever the scene switched back to the oval office or whatever I zoned out. Played with my zipper. Tried to hold my breath for more than two minutes (it’s hard!). That kind of thing. All I can tell you is that nothing important ever happened between them and that’s a dang shame. Maybe they will be a sequel where they do it.
Okay, so I won’t spoil the ending for you, but suffice to say that no one came away from this movie happy. Or alive. Well, everyone but the Army dudes came away alive but you could tell they were dead on the inside from even being in this movie. Good job Redford. Maybe if you didn’t try to multi-task and be in every scene and direct it you could have done a better job on at least ONE part. Sheesh.
Basically, go see this movie if you find ten dollars on the ground and it will self-destruct if you don’t spend it right away on this movie. Or take your wife if you want a divorce. I saw Bert and Ernie in there . About time! The action sequences were pretty alright, but it could have been a lot sweeter. Redford should have a lunch date with the guy who did Die Hard and bring some notebook paper and a quality pen so he can take some notes!
Overall I give this film:
Three out of Five American Flags. Support our Troops!
Hey Maru, I’m gonna go ahead and sign off now. I guess tomorrow I’m scheduled to do this interview with Mr. Jessup the county mortician? Maybe that will be pretty exciting!